Thursday, September 18, 2008

Lightbulb for Brisbane Private Schools

I'm not sure if I've posted this before, but I'm going to post it again...because I find them so funny! (and with disturbing amounts of truth...)

The 'How many does it take to change a lightbulb', for Brisbane schools!

I've found two of these, so I'll post them both...just a warning, it's all just words, but the content is somewhat NSFW.

*******

Brisbane Girls Grammar - One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

St. Laurence's - Two. One to change the bulb and one to figure out how to get high off the old one.

Gregory Terrace - None. They're all too drunk to notice and even when their sober if they spot a hole they just put dencor rub in it.

All Hallows - One. She'll put through a call to maintenance staff because there's no way she's going to do manual labour.

Kenmore High - None. That hole looks better in the dark.

Lourdes Hill - Six. One to change it but only after the other five have found an interpreter to translate the English instructions.

Indooroopilly High - Seventy six. One to change the globe. Fifty to protest the globe's right not to change and twenty five to stage a counter protest.

Brisbane Boys Grammar - None. Those poor bastards are keeping their backs to the wall even if it means standing in the dark. "If you can't get a girl, get a Grammar boy".

Somerville House - Five. One to change it, two to make sure her hair ribbons are still in place and another two to make sure her bag looks cool at all times.

Ipswich Boys Grammar -Six. Four to break into the store, one to steal the globe and one to install it.

Brigidine - None. It is too unsafe for pregnant girls to attempt such a dangerous task.

Brisbane State High - where?

TSS - 10. One to change the bulb. One to call his dealer and eight to talk about how gnarly things got at Kirra during the last cyclone.

Nudgee College -Five. One to install it, and four to tally the number of times he says F*** or talks about rugby while he's doing it. Their wives and children shall all watch the process.

Ipswich Girls Grammar - None. Everything not welded down had been flogged long ago.

Marist Bros, Rosalie - None. Everyone is either suspended or wagging (including the teachers).

Marist Bros, Ashgrove - Three. One to put in a formal complaint about the imposition, one to change the bulb and one to make the observation that it isn't half as bright as the light shining from their arses.

BBC - Two. One to insert the bulb the other to jump start it via mummy's Volvo.

Churchie - None. In the company of canines one needs less imagination in the dark.

TGS - None. Electricity has yet to make it west of the great divide.

*******

Springwood:
None: cos even tho the prinicpal trys 2 say how gud the skool is he cant actually string his sentences together, while trying to explain that we will have to lock the classrooms now and everyone must sign in and out a key when they go to class because someone has vandalised the new light bulb, a massive group of islanders playing there guitars try to steal the new lightbulb, but cant fit it in their bag because of the sterios blasting their gangsta music are taking up all the room

Churchie:
Three - one to call the electrician and one to call daddy to pay the bill. I think we know what the third guy is doing.

CHAC:
Only one, but they get 6 demerit points for breaking it in the first place.

Moreton Bay College:
One - she holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Lourdes Hill:
Eleven - one to screw it and ten to support its sexual orientation.

Balmoral:
Three - one to change it and two to try and figure out if you can get high off the old one.

St. Laurie's:
Ten - one to change it, one back up if the first guy's too drunk and the other eight to pray that it works.

Cooparoo SHS:
Eight - one to change the light bulb and 7 to figure out whether to knife it to death or sell it on the cooparoo shs drug market

St Margaret's:
the whole school; 2 to spread a rumour about the light bulb being a slut, 3 to say how they wish they could be as thin as the bulb, 3 more to call those 3 fat then go throw-up, 1 to buy the light bulb with daddy's credit card and 1 to invite Churchie so the rest can find a rich Husband. hopefully the principal will actually show up to do the honour but there is always the vice.

Kelvin Grove (Queensland Dance School of Excellence):
Five - one to change the bulb and four to do an interpretative dance about it.

Carmel College:
Seven - one to change the light bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

Wynnum North:
None they don't have light bulbs...they are too fucked up...people smash them and try to kill them selves with them but if you told someone there was a broken light bulb they would probably try to fix it even though there isn't one there because they are so stoned to get light bulbs for the school!

Sommerville:
None - with fluoro green uniforms, its better in the dark.

BBC:
Seven - one to change it and the other 6 to stand around playing soggy sao's while he does it.

Iona:
Five - one to change it, 3 to stare at his arse while he does it and 2 to burn a hedge down, just for the hell of it.

Girls Grammar:
Five - one to change the bulb, one to make sure her nails don't break, one to curl her hair, one to make sure her outfit matches the light and one to make sure her shoes match as well.

Nudgee:
None - they don't have any money left after all the imports.

Toowoomba Grammar:
none - they don't have electricity yet.

All Hallows:
Four - one to change it and the other three to bitch about what a shit job she did.

Terrace:
Two - one to screw it in, and the other to gel his hair while he does it.

Villanova:
Two - one to fix it and one to look in a dictionary to discover what the heck a "light bulb" is anyway.

Ipswich Grammar:
None - they can't find a shop selling light bulbs within a 200 km radius of Ipswich.

St. Eddies:
just one guy to make the light bulb fall in love with him... but it doesn't matter cause he'll just go screw some other light bulb anyway...

Boys Grammar:
Twenty One - one to change the bulb and 20 to hang out at the Queen Street Mall...

Brisbane State High:
Ten - one to change it, one to break the old one and stab the guy fixing the light cause he looked at him 'funny' and a crew of eight to fight them both for no particular reason.

Wynnum State High:
Thirty One - one chic to actually change it, fifteen guys to look up her skirt, ten guys to see if they have enough money to pay her for a one night stand and five to smoke pot while they are skipping class.

MSM College:
None - they call the Marist guys and get them to do it for them.

Marist Ashgrove:
None - they return the call and get the MSM girls to return the favour.

Ferny Grove:
None, their tree friends help them out.

Stuartholme:
5, one to screw the bulb, 2 to hold her up there and the other two to hold the chair that the first two are on.

Mitchelton State High:
none - why waste money on light bulbs when they can waste it on their cricket fields??

Our Lady's College:
none, they all seem to have older boyfriends who do everything for them

Loretto College:
First you gotta find the blasted place (hint: Year 10 Marist Dancing Lessons... remind most of you?

Loretto College: 10, 3 to change the light bulb, two to sit on their arses watching and 5 to sit around wishing their boyfriends where there to help.

Redlands College:
1 to ask Mr patterson if they can... wait while he asks god if its ok ... oops none coz mr patterson (and god) would say no coz it promotes sex.

St. Mary's:
i dunno... but i'm sure they'll make it into an act at their musical next year.. at least it would be more interesting then this year...

Malanda High:
the entire school population coz its the most exciting thing that's happened there since the freakin school opened!

Forest Lake College:
none, they're too busy pretending they don't live near Inala

Clayfield College:
doesn't matter, those girls will screw anything

Macgregor High:
3 to change the light bulb, 2 to act as interpretators so they can understand each others' languages, 2 to work out why a scottish school has no people from Scotland in it and an extra 3 girls trying to find new ways to make their skirts shorter.

Queensland University of Technology (QUT):
1 to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Brisbane using that nuked light bulb, 1 to change the light bulb, 1 to crack under the pressure, 10 to share the experience, 5 to write a report on the importance of light bulbs in today’s modern society, 50 to protest the light bulb's right to not change, 25 to hold a counter-protest, 1 to write the computer program that controls the wall switch, the whole creative industries faculty that to commemorate the event with an interpretative song and dance routine, 20 that turned up for the extra 6 credit points, 1 to hand out the coffee and guarana refreshments, 5 that stumbled over from the bar to see if there is going to be a party, and 1 to say loudly how a QUT student can change a light bulb just as well as any Griffith student ............ (it’s a whole campus affair)

Rosewood High:
if they're anything like Jacqui, they'll just be standing around ringing BRISSIE people asking 'What does that mean? Lightbulb what?'

Sunnybank High:
Well once they find out Macgregor has 'changed' a lightbulb, they'll have to get the whole school to change all of theirs, before bashing up the Macgregor 'changers' in the pathway up to Garden City.

STMC:
10... 5 guys to try and work out how they actually screw in a lightbulb, their gurlfriends standing behind bitching about how girls at Clairvaux/Sunnybank/Macgregor/Browns Plains are such sluts, and a few others just standing around trying to convince people that their school REALLY is a private school ('see it says college!')

Park Ridge High:
The whole 'How to change a Lightbulb' class... its right after there 'Teenage Pregnancy' class and right before 'How not to look stoned at School' class...

Browns Plains High:
None... they're all over at the 'Grand' Plaza hanging around the bus station

St. James:
5...One chick to change it and 2 other chicks to give their boyfriends blow jobs on a park bench.

Holland Park High:
all of them...the schools the biggest shit heaP that no one could care less but they would all go and hide and smoke pot.

Whites Hill College:
none...They are too busy wondering why the hell they'd change the name of the school to make it sound remotely sophisticated when clearly it's not!

Wellington Point SHS:
10, 3 to steal the old bulb and use it as a bong, 2 to miss it all together because they’re skipping class, 4 to bitch about the light bulb because they think it is ‘up itself’ while seeing how high they can pull up their socks and 1 to show the private schools that light bulb changing is a sport, and that’s why Wello is great at it.

Ormiston College:
10, four year 12 boys who have been asked by their year 9 girlfriends to help, four offering to do it “because its all about school spirit” (they are competing for prefect) and two spoilt little rich girls to bitch about the slutty light bulb and how it would break for anyone.

QASM:
just 1....but he does it with his mind

Clairvaux Mackillop College:
It probably wouldn't ever be changed. Knowing Clairvaux. It takes a whole freaking year to clean out a blocked and overflowing sink in the toilets.

28 comments:

kenz said...

how dare you bag Brisbane schools what school did you go to probibly some cheap dirty state school
If you know so much about Brisbane schools guess what school I go to
I'll give you a hint
You mention it in your so called joke
Can't guess
Too bad
Your truly
A proud All Hallows girl

Pistevo said...

I went to State High, also mentioned in the lists (and hit far harder than AHS was) but, as always, thanks for playing.

And, this isn't my joke, for two reasons - firstly, there are two lists (hence in the plural, good to know that All Hallows' has taught you about plurals and correct punctuation in the name of the school); and secondly, they aren't my lists (y'know, like it says at the top).

But, once you stop using your buttocks for shoulderpads, maybe you'd like to use that brand-new blogger account of yours for useful purposes (like, I dunno, contributing to the knowledge base of humanity, or just getting your issues out into the open).

Until then, have fun in the Valley.

Anonymous said...

XD That's fricking awesome - and believe you me, we go to Stuartholme and Marist Ashgrove. The truth behind most of those is the funniest part.

Anonymous said...

Okay, they're mean, big woop. They're also HILARIOUS. Who ever wrote this should write a book.

Pistevo said...

No idea, wish I knew who wrote them... I just know that they've been around since at least 2000 (when I got my first copy by e-mail).
One day, I'm sure that I'll do some kind of compilation or rewrite...if I can be bothered, of course :P

Anonymous said...

And of course Spcc is left out >.>

Pistevo said...

Damn right.
Firstly, I had to look up what SPCC was (St Peter Claver's, for those following at home) - it's not exactly the most high-profile school (or of any real size). Oh, and secondly - it's in /Riverview/, Ipswich. This is about /Brisbane/ private schools, not Boganland.

Anonymous said...

gosh i am a current somerville girl and my brother goes to churchie, tha is the funniest blog ive read in ages thanks so much and your right what makes it funny is that its all true!!!
xx

Daniel said...

who the hell do you think u are to pay out Brisbane grammar school?
get it right you idiot
its BGS, not brisbane boys grammar
and what school did U go to
some crap dirt school, getting raised to be jealous of rich brisbane schools

if your gonna pay us out
do it properly
what, chase girls around?
who do you think you are
get a life, instead of dissing all the good schools you sore loser

Pistevo said...

@Daniel,
Wow, you're amazingly pathetic. If you're going to nitpick about things that no one cares, at least show enough consistancy to differentiate between the second-person pronoun and the letter u. However, your amazing reading skills don't disappoint - as I said previously in my comments, I went to State High. Cheap, yes, but - ironically enough - obviously better able to teach students english grammar.
(Oh, and I'm aware that the list is hideously out of date - State High hasn't had a single gang fight this decade)

A necessary element of class is the ability to smile at one's own failings. Traditionally, I associate BGS graduates with class, dignity and decency. You need to live up to the reputation of the school you so proudly (if erroneously) defend.

Anonymous said...

nice post...i'm gonna have to agree with everything there...i go to lauries and i'm pretty sure thats actually what happens...as for everyone else that had their pms posting comments, i'm sure you all know it's true, so get over it

Anonymous said...

Heres another one:

How many churchie guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Their all too busy wearing their pants backwards (for easy access)

Anonymous said...

True blue lauries boys here.

The greatness of these is they all reflect the schools perfectly haha.

Lighten up All Hallows' chick, it's a page of jokes.

Anonymous said...

Shot Lauries Pride

Anonymous said...

lauries Pride

Anonymous said...

i love it how all the Lauries boys are like haha its great
and everyone else just bitches about it
shot boys

Anonymous said...

oathfff lauries pride
bunch of hardowts.
hahahaahaha

Robbo said...

Rosa boy here

i went to school back when this first started going around and it is spot on for how things were back then

and thanks Pistevo i've been thinking about this for years worndering if there was still a copy somewhere

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post, pistevo. I went to Ashgrove and whilst I don't think we are conceited (list no.1) I still thought it was funny anyway! Good to see the Lauries guys can also take a joke.

Nobody should really be offended by this; its just a bit of fun based on popular perceptions rather than reality.

If you're a bit miffed, then look at this way: at least your school was 'worthy' enough to be mentioned! Plenty other good schools didn't make the cut, e.g. St. Peters, Padua, St. Pauls, JPC, Canterbury etc etc. Deep down, I suspect most are glad their school got a mention...however bad!

I don't get the Loretos reference, regarding dance lessons at Ashgrove though...a bit after my time perhaps??

Cav PRIDEE said...

hahhaha what about cav road? fucking wasnt mentioned once fucking dickhead

littlelaura said...

as someone who travels alot i have to say what you say is mostly true and hilarious(my school certainly is).
and kenz, take the stick out of ur arse, who are you to have a go at someone who is clearly only relaying what everyone else already knows

Anonymous said...

As an old clayfield girl (and someone who grew up in the middle of st ritas, maggots and cc) i got to say that screwing everything is more of a corpus characteristic :P

Anonymous said...

i currently attend brisbane boys grammar school and i thought a lot of these were funny and true...anyway no point getting worked up about it its only natural for different schools to say shit about each other.

kikki said...

Awesome! I was wondering if there was a copy of this floating around somewhere. I remember having it sent to me so many times during high school.
I'm a maroon-pride Moreton Bay girl, and we always used to laugh over how our school had so many scandals and yet seemed to get off so easy in this. I think we must have just had a better legal team than most schools :-P
As for angry people - maybe the smog from the city is seeping into your dura matter and leeching away your sense of humour. You should come out and catch some Bay breezes. Do you the world of good, it would. Lighten up, or people are going to start thinking that BGS, BGGS, AHS, etc are populated with pompus, arrogant little snobs, which they're not. So don't give the normal people a bad name, eh, crazies?

Anonymous said...

what about st aidans?
we want one!

Anonymous said...

As a former Clayfield student, I was dying of laughter.
I also went to Corpus, and whoever posted that screwing everything is more of a Corpus characteristic, sorry but it's not. At least not anymore, I don't know about back when this list was made (although Corpus isn't on here).

Anonymous said...

The Redlands one is so true.. Tho, we'd need Mr Shepherd there to bless the light that the bulb brings the school :P

Joe said...

HAH... Gayheeeee